Marvel’s word of the moment is cross-pollination. Everyone, myself included, has apparently jumped on that bandwagon and accepted the term. When Tony Stark shows up in The Incredible Hulk, they (and we) call it “cross-pollination of franchises.” It’s cross-pollination of franchises when Captain America’s shield shows up in Iron Man.

Apparently, Marvel super-heroes are like flowers. Who knew?

Of course, all of this is possible because Marvel Comics has jumped into the movie business with both feet; they now self-produce. This thing allows for the next batch of Marvel flicks to all take place in the same universe. Its something that is commonplace in the world of comics, but much rarer in the world of movies.

In 1987, Alan Moore wrote:
The very first thing that anyone reading a modern horror comic should understand is that there are great economic advantages in being able to prop up an ailing, poor-selling comic book with an appearance by a successful guest star. Consequently, all the comic book stories produced by any given publisher are likely to take place in the same imaginary universe. . . . For those more familiar with conventional literature, try to imagine Dr. Frankenstein kidnapping one of the protagonists of Little Women for his medical experiments, only to find himself subject to the scrutiny of a team-up between Sherlock Holmes and Hercule Poirot. I’m sure that both the charms and the overwhelming absurdities of this approach will become immediately apparent. ..

I guess the action movie equivalent to this one universe notion would then be to have John McClane team up with John Rambo to stop the super evil villainy of Mr. Blond, Hannibal Lector and Brad Wesley from Roadhouse.

I’d see that thing.

It’s not to say that this Marvel comics movie “cross-pollination” is unprecedented. The classic Universal monsters started bumping into each other as early as 1943’s Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman. This film served as their first sequel to The Wolf Man and their FOURTH sequel to Frankenstein.

The next year, Universal threw Dracula into the mix and featured all three monsters in House of Frankenstein. The film dips in quality from Frankenstein meets the Wolfman, which itself is inferior to the originals of each of those franchises. The year after that they cranked out House of Dracula, a mostly redundant film featuring the same monsters as House of Frankenstein. Finally, they completed the trip to self parody in 1948 with Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.

Cross-pollination has pretty much been relegated to b-horror pictures since then. The Demonic Toys have met both Dollman and Toulon’s puppets of Puppetmaster “fame”. Freddy Kreuger has battled Jason Vorhees. Predators have hunted Aliens.

Sadly, Ash has yet to have met the Tall Man.

At any rate, what Marvel is doing that does seem unique is planned cross-pollination. From the get-go we see evidence of Captain America in the Iron Man-iverse, and Iron Man in the Hulk-iverse. When Aliens meet Predators, or Jason meets Freddy, or Puppets meet Toys, it’s a ret-con job. Previous cross-pollinated films are, at worst, acts of desperation to liven up mostly dead franchises. At best, these things are fan-fiction turned canon.

A couple of years from now, Marvel isn’t going to say, “What else can we do with Iron Man? I know, let’s have him meet Thor!” Marvel is going in and saying, “Pretty soon, you’ll get to see all these characters together. We’re just going to introduce them first in their own movies.” It’s a build-up to a team-up. Marvel is actually planning ahead, a rare feat in the entertainment business as fans of professional wrestling can tell you.

Even if everything fails and the movies sag in quality, you kind of have to feel good for Marvel Comics. I mean, 15 years ago what was the best movie starring a Marvel super-hero? Honestly, my money would be on Marvel’s previous attempts at super-hero team-ups. I am naturally talking about the TV-movies The Trial of the Incredible Hulk (featuring a half-assed attempt at Daredevil) and The Incredible Hulk Returns (featuring a half-assed attempt at Thor).

It’s telling isn’t it? Twenty years ago, you got the guy from Street Hawk playing a sidekickish Daredevil in a TV movie where no one could be bothered to put Daredevil in a red suit with horns. That was as good as it got. Five years ago, you get an 80 million dollar Daredevil feature film with a big name cast that brings in 100 million dollars at the box office and its considered a turd.

In the end, I just hope that new Hulk doesn’t suck a big green dick.

- Paraphrasing Peter Hedges, in the DVD extras of Dan in Real Life

I cannot blame Mr. Hedges for this thing. Were I confronted with a script written by Pierce Gardner, the scribe behind insidious Winona Ryder vehicle Lost Souls, I would probably write my family into it as well.

Dan in Real Life tells the story of Dan “Kookie” Burns some sort of part-time advice columnist, full-time widower, who is raising his three smart-mouthed daughters. The daughters names are The One Who Wants to Drive the Car, The Little One, and The Slutty One. Coincidentally, this properly fulfills Margaret Cho’s prediction that groups of three women will consist of the Smart One, Sweet One, and ‘Ho archetypes.

She may be a failure as a comedian, but she has her moments as a sociologist.

Anywho, Dan pulls his three daughters out of school for a week so that they can hang out with their extended family in Rhode Island. This annual Burns-fest is said to nearly triple the population of the tiny Ocean State.

The family consists of a number of recognizable and likeable actors relegated to the status of glorified extras. I mean, poor Amy Ryan, now an Oscar nominated actress, has absolutely nothing to do in this movie. Hell, when they introduce her character, her face is partially obscured by a dog!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Peter Hedges?! Why introduce a character when you can’t see her? It isn’t as though she was playing a Carlton the Doorman type. She’s not Maris on Frasier. It’s not as though she is going to be doling out nuggets of wisdom to Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor in the backyard. Show the character you’re introducing!

Showing stuff is part of being a director!

Hedges might be most famous for writing the novel turned Johnny Depp movie What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. The film’s legacy is one of convincing people that Leonardo DiCaprio is, in fact, mentally retarded. To this day, a number of Americans still believe DiCaprio to be a retard.

I am one of those Americans.

Anyways, Steve Carell has made it up to Amy Ryan by giving her a part on The Office, so they should be square.

Also in the DVD extras, Hedges says that he wanted audiences to see the actors in Dan in Real Life as they have never seen these actors before. One would have hoped that this would mean that Dane Cook gets set on fire, but unfortunately this is not the case. What we end up with is the unprecedented casting of:
- Steve Carell as the button-down, likeable yet love starved and sexually frustrated type
- Dianne Wiest as the warm and loving matriarch
- John Mahoney as the gruff patriarch
- Dane Cook as an unlikeable tool
- Juliette Binoche as the exotic French woman
- and

Wait a second. . . Aren’t these the sort of parts these actors always play? You lied to me Peter Hedges!

Perhaps, he was referring to Jessica Hecht. She is most famous for playing Susan Bunch, the lesbian lover of Ross Geller’s ex-wife on Friends. She plays a sassy and married heterosexual, not unlike her character on The Single Guy.

Damnit!

So, the plot goes that Dan goes to a book store while in Rhode Island. There, he impersonates a clerk in order to mack on an emotional fragile brunette. He sells her many books, and forces the store to give him a commission at knife-point.

Later on, he chats up the brunette. She shamelessly flirts with Dan, leading him on for hours, only to ditch him after revealing that she has a serious boyfriend. Forgetting that he is in Rhode Island, Dan fails to realize that her boyfriend is probably related to him. In this case, it turns out to be his brother, Mitch, as portrayed by non-Actor Dane Cook, long rumored to be a comedian.

Mitch, as one should be able to tell from that annoying frat-boy sobriquet, is a slow-witted sexual predator. Mitch teaches some sort of aerobics class in order to take full advantage of his brightly colored unitard fetish, which developed from seeing Roadhouse during his formative years. (At least, I think this is all clearly spelled out in the film’s subtext.)

The womanizing Mitch, after years of seeing a bunch of taut, gyrating gym bunnies, decide that he wants to settle down with Marie, a woman who looks to be 10 years his elder. (Juliette Binoche plays Marie; she is about 8 years older than Dane Cook.) Perhaps he is a big fan of Ashton. . .

Marie decides to take advantage of the attention of the Burns brothers, cruelly taunting Dan with suggestive callisthenics and pancakes, all the while wrapping herself in a shroud of pretentiousness and unlikeability.

Eventually, every stupid thing that you imagine is going to happen does happen. Then the movie jumps ahead in time 1 year, where Steve Carell and his love interest are married and everybody dances. This thing is, of course, not like any other Steve Carell movie ever.

That’s what Peter Hedges told me.

Four-time Oscar nominee, the Dude, was surprisingly creepy as Obadiah Stane. You can never see Jeff Bridges acting, and I mean that in the good way. He’s very natural, even here, playing a comic book villain. We’ve seen what other Oscar nominees do with comics roles. I mean, they didn’t have to tear down the sets after they filmed The Punisher; John Travolta had eaten all of the scenery.

Enough has been written about the casting of Robert Downey Jr. as a damaged, hard-partying, womanizing, alcoholic millionaire-genius. Quirky and neurotic actors have seemingly usurped the summer blockbuster from the steroid-addled action heroes in a slow and gradual rate. They’re not always fortysomethings like Downey and Johnny Depp either (read as: Shia Lebeouf).

The movie made me realize something more important than that, though.

Terrorists are the new Nazis.

I think everybody can appreciate the utility of Nazis as movie villains. Nobody likes these guys. The are a common enemy to Anne Frank and Hellboy! They garner no sympathy from anybody. Spielberg can throw them in as bad guys for his Oscar bait like Schindler’s List or stuff like the Indiana Jones movies. In the ultimate bit of revenge, those who dehumanized have become dehumanized. Killing a Nazi in a movie is rarely (perhaps never) morally questionable.

The main problem with Nazis is this: World War 2 ended over 60 years ago. A bunch of octogenarians with swastikas isn’t quite so intimidating. And let’s face it, neo-Nazis will never be sexy or cool. Captain America could plow through those pansies like a nail through Bill Pullman’s scrotum.

But terrorists? Terrorists are scary; Terror is in their name! They’re sometimes tricky for Jack Bauer to kill.

They are great villains. Everybody hates them. The Republicans hate them because they are brown. The Democrats hate them because the Republicans are better at hating terrorists. The conservatives hate them because they are foreign. The Green party hates terrorists because the Green Party hates everything but grass and Phish. The liberals hate them because terrorists are often religious. The Libertarians hate terrorists because terrorists hate freedom. Muslims hate them because terrorism gives their religion a bad image. Brown people hate terrorists because terrorism makes it hard for them to get through airport security.

Even terrorists hate other terrorists. It’s great!

Whoa. The word terrorist looks really weird now.

I’ve written it too much. It keeps on turning into territory or terrier.
Terriers are my very favorite breed
they’re cute and cuddly, easy dogs to feed
they will bring you up whenever you are down
terriers average 20 pounds
when I walk around this terrier town
the only thing that makes me down
is when people put bandanas on their dog

Iron Man is a smart enough flick to have the terrorist be, for the most part, non-denominational. They’re not yelling about Allah or Mohamed. They’re imperialists! Imperialist terrorists, all sides of the political spectrum are bound to hate those.

It’s brilliant.

Maybe, we can do a couple of limericks if the spirit movies us.

It’s not going to. . .

May 2nd
Iron Man
He’s like Edison
With hookers and alcohol
I think he fights crime

Made of Honor
It’s Patrick Dempsey
as Julia Roberts in
My Best Friend’s Wedding

May 9th
Speed Racer
Wachowski brothers
I think that those are the guys
who wrote Assassins

May 16th
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Hated the first one
but at least movies like this
keep midgets employed

May 22nd
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Indy rides again
Archeology fits well
Ford’s now a relic

June 6th
Kung Fu Panda
Jackie Chan: Monkey
Ian McShane: Snow Leopard
Jack Black: Panda Bear

June 13th
The Incredible Hulk
Hulk says, Don’t make me,
Ang Lee, nobody liked me
when I was Ang Lee

The Happening
Already found out
M. Night Shyamalan’s big twist:
No Raj nor Rerun.

June 20th
Get Smart
Goofy suer-spy
I won’t miss it by that much
but I will miss it

The Love Guru
He’s been gone 5 years
Since the Cat in the Hat
Coulda been longer

June 27th
WALL*E
Johnny 5 is back!
Wait, this isn’t Johnny 5?
Thank effing Jesus!

July 2nd
Hancock
Will Smith’s got to be
The biggest star in the world
Sorry, George Clooney

July 11th
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Briefly, I worried
that Guillermo del Toro
was going legit.

July 18th
The Dark Knight
Hey, didn’t we see
Batman vs. the Joker
20 years ago?

Space Chimps
Monkeys, outer space
If the chimps smoke cigarettes. . .
GREATEST FILM EVER!

July 25th
The X-Files: I Want to Believe
The X-files is back
Ten years after relevance
It worked for Star Trek

August 1st
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
Maria Bello
Brendan Fraser and Jet Li
I don’t understand

August 8th
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
For those who don’t know
August eighth is my birthday
. . . not what I wanted.

This is closure.

For my mother closure is finishing a movie. If she watches ten minutes of a movie she needs to know how things turn out, even if she hates the movie. She needs that type of closure. My father is on the other end of the spectrum. He can watch the first 90 minutes of a 100 minute film, then go straight to bed without any problems.

I have to imagine most people are somewhere in the middle. In the land beyond either end of this spectrum lies some form of dangerous neuroses.

I also think that most people consider an arbitrary, almost certainly irrational system of value when it comes to films. I certainly do. If I paid ten plus dollars to see a movie in the theater, you damn well certain that I’m watching the whole film. Even if it is the worst piece of garbage around, I won’t leave; I’ll just be more liberal in my allotment of bathroom breaks. I believe The Day After Tomorrow was allocated no less than three urinal visits.

If I paid five dollars to rent a movie, I’m probably going to watch the whole thing. Five bucks is five bucks, you know?

Currently, however, I’m on this Blockbuster-fake Netflix plan thingy. Blockbuster never hesitates to increase my rates on a whim, but now I don’t pay by the unit, but by the month. If a dvd sucks, I kick it out of my house and use it to grab a new one at that damned blue and yellow store.

While this modern convenience may has diminished my patience, it has afforded me a more rational basis upon which to make a decision. I have a better understanding of my time’s worth, and how this thing is more valuable than the latest Ridley Scott claptrap.

But there is still that problem of closure. Even if 99 percent of me couldn’t conceivably care less, there remains that nagging 1 percent.

What’s to be done about this thing?

Then my wife discovered the worst enemy of the biopic, that overblown, over-used, over-appreciated genre of the biographical picture. A powerful tool in combating that format which is so prone to fact-stretching, which creates interminable movies, which so often staples a black and white narrative over the ambiguous and ambivalent. What hero so brave could slay such a monstrous beast?

Wiki - fecking - pedia. (Pardon that “e”, it’s the Chicagoan in me.)

Wikipedia will very often have a detailed description of a movie’s plot. Plus they will very often have a detailed account of the reality behind the situation.

This is a good thing.

The wife and I gave up on American Gangster about a half an hour into the picture, realizing that we hadn’t made a dent in the dang thing. Wikipedia afforded us closure to the reel picture and the real picture. (Hack cliches ahoy!)

My wife spent all twelve hours of Alexander’s run time on Wikipedia reading about the actual history, biding her time till the hot boy on boy action. (Widro, a couple of more phrases like that and I’ll have a far more popular column. GENIUS!)

In the time it would take me to watch Walk the Line, I could read his wiki and listen the Johnny Cash sing Johnny Cash songs instead of River Phoenix’s brother.

It’s AMAZING!

Yet, I’d still probably watch Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story. Certain things defy rationality.

Those touching words were said by somebody at some point in time. Perhaps it was a wrestler who said them, or maybe it was in a movie. Perhaps I have the wrong homophone and it was merely a commercial for delicious thug life brand bread. I prefer thug life cinnamon raisin, but my wife likes neither the bread’s allegorical relationship to the criminal lifestyle nor what she refers to as “grape corpses.”

These things being what they may, evoke a strong sense of the quiet dignity of movie thugs. Be they henchmen, goons, street toughs or faceless guys punched by the Batman, the life of the movie thug is not a glamorous one. It doesn’t matter if you are a stout Asian with a deadly hat, a nigh-invincible Aryan hell-bent on killing John McClane of the NYPD, or just some dude bouncing bullets of off Superman’s cornea, we here at CPO understand your plight. We don’t care if you’ve got a machinegun for a leg, unbreakable teeth, or any sort of questionably useful super-power. We’re here for you even if all you have is two meaty fists and orders from Ben Gazzara to wreck the Double Deuce. Or maybe it was evil automobile mogul Craig T. Nelson who gave you your naughty to-do list.

Or maybe a hammy John Lithgow.

Any road, it’s hard out there for henchmen.

You won’t get many good lines. Sometimes you won’t get any lines.

You won’t get an action figure, and if you do, it’ll suck.

You can forget about killing Sylvestor Stallone. You might be able to get an impotent bullet through Bruce Willis’s biceps, but that’s just going to seal your fate. Offing Schwarzenegger? That’s right out the window.

Frankly, it’s hard to stay alive. If you threaten the hostages or be a total badass, the hero has got to kill you. If you are pro-active enough to kill the hero’s mentor, you will face certain death.

It would seem like a good idea to mitigate your evil. The hero has no justification to kill you if you’re the diet coke of evil.

BUT if you are a nice thug, your survival rate doesn’t necessarily improve. The villain might kill you on a whim or to set an example. Even worse, you might get beaten up by the plucky comic relief! This is truly a fate worse than death for those brave henchmen and henchwomen out there.

But in the end, isn’t it all worth it? I mean, we’re all in this for the intrinsic value of crime, right? Without hired goons, who would kidnap the action hero’s daughter?

Huh?

Who would kill his partner?

Who would provide that facile wall of separation between the hero and the villain?

Do you really want to live in a celluloid world where the rogue cop gets to keep his badge and his gun? I sure don’t. It’s you thugs out there that make these things possible. It’s you guys and your random acts of violence and malevolence that make the shift commander ride the hero so hard.

It’s you guys that force the hero to play by his own rules in a world he didn’t make!

We here at CPO salute you movie thugs, and those character actors who portray you. We salute the Tracey Walters of the world, the Billy Dragos, the Dennis Haydens, the Al Leongs, the Danny Trejos, the M.C. Gaineys, the Nathan Jungs, and the Michael Papajohns.

Kudos.

On the surface of things, she is a huge movie star. She is a respected and honored actress. She has won an Oscar and was nominated for another. She’s won a BAFTA, a Blockbuster award, 3 Golden Globes, and so on.

Without Kidman, we wouldn’t have anybody left to play female psychiatrists!

BUT if we were to look at her filmography, I think we’d find that the world would be much better off without her. We’ll go backwards on her IMDB page, skipping the unreleased stuff. Let’s look at the quality of the films themselves, and not Kidman’s mannequin-like performances. I’ll skip the minor roles, minor films, and whatever else I damn well please.

I can do that thing.

1. The Golden Compass - This is a movie released in order to cash in on the Young Adult Fantasy Novel film adaptation market. Like most other Americans, I haven’t bothered to see it.

2. Margot at the Wedding - This thing, wherein Noah Baumbach shows the world that his growth as an artist stopped at The Squid and the Whale, is a jumble of half-assed ideas assembled into what can loosely be called a film. When Jennifer Jason Leigh plays the most likable and human character in a film, you know that you are in trouble. Rubbish.

3. The Invasion - a horrifyingly inadequate and insulting version of a story which has previously afforded us 3 good movies. There is no excuse for this movie.

4. Happy Feet - The only thing that hates penguins more than me is god. Effing penguins. I’m going to keep my car idling until all their lot is homeless. (Of course, I understand that most penguins don’t live in the Antarctic, and Al Gore is a fucking idiot.)

5. Bewitched - It’s Nora Ephron, it’s based on a sitcom, and the plot revolves around accidentally casting a real witch to play a witch on TV. It kinda reminds me of that torture scene in The Serpent and the Rainbow. (I don’t want to spoil it, but it involves a scrotum and a nail. )

6. Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus - This movie has, quite possibly, the silliest title of any non-Die Hard film. Therefore, I refuse to see it.

7. The Interpreter - It’s estimated budget is $80 million. It managed to rake in $70 million at the box office. I’ve never seen it, but I’ve never heard anybody say good things about it. I like to pretend that Tootsie was Sydney Pollack’s last movie.

8. Birth - Birth is on the short list of the worst films that I have ever seen. The physics of The Core make more sense than this flick. Never before has the word “retarded” best summed up a film-going experience. I like this director’s non-Kidman film, Sexy Beast.

9. The Stepford Wives - Another crappy remake. . . For those who like analogies: Jeff Goldblum: Superior remake :: Nicole Kidman: Inferior remake.

10. Cold Mountain - The director of the English Patient decides to torture audiences once again. I remember there being a sadistic albino. I also remember that Nicole Kidman fought a chicken, whined about missing some fella she barely knew, and then shot that fella accidently. Did I mention that it is awful? It really sucks.

11. The Human Stain - The only thing anybody remember about this movie is that it contends that Anthony Hopkins is secretly black. If you can believe that, you might be able to buy Kidman as a human being. I also have some comic books for you that are sure to increase in value.

12. The Others - This movie is on the better end of the “Wasn’t the Sixth Sense neat?” school of horror. That’s some faint praise, indeed. Unfortunately, the goings-on of the film are significantly overshadowed the film-makers’ fascination with CGI fog. It’s all they seem to talk about on the multitude of DVD extras. I’m pretty sure they spent 10 million dollars on something I could’ve done with 50 dollars and a trip to Spencer gifts.

13. Moulin Rouge - I wrote a whole column on how annoying and abrasive this god-forsaken clinic on how to be garish truly is. The IP PJ wordpress conversion hampers my ability to link to it. In this case, the two words that best sum up this film are “deep hurting”.

14. Eyes Wide Shut - Ah, remember Kubrick’s failed attempt to make a high class porn? Tom Cruise provides a laughable performance, and (the then) Mrs. Tom Cruise is about as sexy as a coupon to JC Penney’s. Although, unlike fashion at Penney’s, Kidman never comes to life. Still, it’s probably better than that other last film of Kubrick’s. (Read as: AI also sucks, but has no titties.)

15. Practical Magic - This is another movie where Kidman plays a witch. No man has ever voluntarily seen this film. The general consensus seems to be that “Practical Magic is no While You Were Sleeping.” This is the sort of movie that should be released direct to WGN Sunday Matinee.

16. The Peacemaker - This is another forgettable action movie that made about 10 million dollars less than it cost. It was made by the director of Pay It Forward; that’s enough to scare me away.

17. Batman Forever - ’nuff said.

I could continue all the way to BMX Bandits, but Batman Forever is my trump. Nobody involved in the creation of Batman Forever can subsequently justify having steady work in the medium of film. This is except for Tommy Lee Jones, who really should’ve known better, and Jon Favreau who couldn’t yet have known better. No one else gets a pass.

Not Mike Amorelli, the assistant chief lighting technician, second unit.

Not Richard Castro the Payroll accountant.

Not even Michael Randolf credited with craft service.

More like CRAP SERVICE.

DAMN YOU MICHAEL RANDOLF!

Outro
Read Outboxed

The evolution of the Halloween series is an interesting one to follow, with its small beginnings as an independent film, to a franchise backed by Universal Pictures and Dino De Laurentis, to going a bit back to its roots, and now a property owned by Dimension films and Miramax, who seem to see no end to riding this series out. Honestly, it’s a little hard to argue with their strategy considering the movies have brought in about ten times as much as they have cost, even if the series has had serious diminished returns in terms of quality.

Then there’s always that first film. I went back and watched the first film again, and the perspective really helps you appreciate what a masterpiece Carpenter created. It’s incredible that with a budget of $300,000, one known star, and a mask of William Shatner, Carpenter was able to create an extraordinary piece of suspense and horror. The movie set a standard in the genre that has not been reach since and probably won’t be ever again.

Halloween Starring Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Pleasance. Directed by John Carpenter.

The reason Carpenter got the opportunity to have this success was because of Halloween. The movie came out of nowhere, with no major studio backing or even distributing it, to become the most successful independent film of all time. Looking at the film again, the movie works on such a simple level, but does so to a degree that the film’s appeal is undeniable.

The film’s opening moments give us one of Carpenter’s major themes; voyeurism. Borrowing heavily from Hitchcock’s Psycho and Michael Powell’s Peeping Tom, we see the perspective of our killer. The newly invented Steady-Cam is used to create a brilliant sequence as the killer relentlessly watches as a couple makes out on a couch and then goes upstairs. The killer moves to the interior of the house and mercilessly slaughters the young woman, only to then reveal that the killer was a child the entire time.

This sequence is brilliant, as the point of view of the camera instantly gives us a feeling of complicity in this act. We’re watching as this boy murders his sister, and yet we’re powerless to stop it. But by making us a part of the act, Carpenter crosses a line that had destroyed Michael Powell’s career. Peeping Tom was considered obscene upon its release, and yet here Halloween’s audiences were instantly drawn in.

What you may not notice is that though your mind is shocked by the death of the young girl (Sandy Johnson), there is very little violence shown. In a homage to Psycho, the knife used is never shown to actually penetrate the skin. The camera pans over, showing the knife wildly going down. The women’s body falls to the floor in blood (the most that is actually shown in the movie). All the mood that the movie needs to put us on edge is given to us in these amazing few shots, and the movie is only five minutes in.

Fifteen years later, Michael Myers (Nick Castle) returns to his hometown of Haddonfield, Illinois. Though he’s known as Michael Myers, Carpenter’s script always refers to Michael simply as “The Shape”. This is a terrific way of describing the character. He’s simply a stalking presence, doing nothing but appearing from time to time, and then disappearing as soon as you look away. When he does walk, Myers moves smoothly, with no emotion showing at all, which is probably scarier than any outwardly “crazy” person ever would be.

Carpenter’s voyeur motif plays into this as well, as for much of the film we simply wait for Michael to strike. He picks his next victim and stalks them patiently, often times while people just simply aren’t paying attention. Carpenter brilliantly weaves Michael in and out of frame, barely making him a presence at all, just enough to put you off kilter.

He finally picks his victim, Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis), due to her resemblance to his own sister. He watches her out of the window of her school, then later from the backyard of her home. These earlier scenes are breadcrumbs from Carpenter leading you straight into the boogeyman’s oven. The tension is elevated further when Michael’s web gets wider, watching Laurie’s friends as they prance around in their underwear.

*****Sidenote****** I did want to bring up that women in these films have about 99% chance of mortality if they decide to not wear pants. Of the three women that die in this first film, all are pants-less when they are slain. The trend mightily continues throughout sequels 2, 4, 5, and 6 as quite often even women that made it through the last entry are caught by Myers literally with their pants down. Now, I’m sure you can say, “Well duh Robert, Michael always gets these girls after they’ve had sexual relations!” That’s not necessarily true. Quite often these girls simply don’t have pants on. They’ve either spilled butter on themselves, or they’re getting dressed after a morning shower. Some even decide to go out of the house without wearing pants, like it’s perfectly normal. Don’t these kids have even a little modesty in front of their neighbors? Perhaps Carpenter and the others were saying something about Michael catching these women literally and figuratively naked, or maybe they just like seeing these women in their underwear. It’s a tough call. *******End of Sidenote*******

Now typically, this genre is filled with characters that are mere fodder for the killer in question. Carpenter instead gives us people we actually care about. The first one we meet is Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasance). On the H25, the movie’s 25th Anniversary DVD, Carpenter talks about how Psycho was the first film to take Horror out of the Victorian setting, like you would see in Dracula. What Carpenter does is take the suburban motif from Psycho, but bring his own Van Helsing to the cast with Loomis.

Oddly enough, the part originally was offered to another Van Helsing, Peter Cushing, as well as the man who was usually his Dracula, Christopher Lee. Both turned the role down. This ended up for the best, as Pleasance adds weight and legitimacy to this series. A seasoned actor such as Pleasance is a godsend to a film like Halloween, as Loomis’ gloomy lines seem to not be so ridiculous when a great actor is spouting them.

Carpenter loved feeding those lines to Pleasance too. Seemingly everything that pleasance says in the film is rather gloomy. Lines such as,

“This isn’t a man.”

“I met him, fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes… the *devil’s* eyes! I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply… *evil*! “

and then finally…

“I watched him for fifteen years, sitting in a room, staring at a wall, not seeing the wall, looking past the wall - looking at this night, inhumanly patient, waiting for some secret, silent alarm to trigger him off. Death has come to your little town, Sheriff. Now you can either ignore it, or you can help me to stop it. “
Something tells me Loomis was never fun at parties, but if Pleasance was playing him, you couldn’t take your eyes off him.

For the movie’s most important role, Laurie Strode, Carpenter couldn’t have found anyone better than first timer Jamie Lee Curtis. Curtis is the picture of innocence in this film, and really in great contrast to every other character in this movie. She is smart and resourceful, unlike her dimwitted friends who end up getting knocked off. She’s also the responsible caretaker of two small children that she has to protect as Michael goes on his rampage.

What is surprising is that the rambunctious teenagers that are slain are also very likable. Each is rather funny and charismatic, with little character traits that let them stand out. This also started another trend where the “Comic Relief” characters were killed off in these pictures. And when they are cut down, Carpenter again stresses suspense over gore, with this first film in the series containing more nudity, but way less gore than any other movie in the series. Carpenter puts the images in your mind instead of onscreen, which makes them much scarier.

For the final showdown with Loomis, Laurie and Michael, Carpenter edits together a ferocious encounter. Building and building with shorter and shorter takes, the director tightens the suspense further and further. Laurie keeps barely escaping attack after attack until Loomis blows the monster away; only to see him disappear once more. According to Carpenter, the final montage of open frames doesn’t show where Michael could be; it shows where he was and that he was everywhere. Just one last taste of terror before the final credits rolled.

Picture Credits: hysteria-lives.co.uk, beyond-Hollywood.com, impawards.com, scaryhorrormovies.com

So lately I’ve been toying with the idea of a “Bad Ass Hall of Fame” to honor the stars and movies that really mean just a little bit more to me and this column. Guys like Bruce Lee, Clint Eastwood, Chow Yun Fat, and Chuck Norris would all be inducted without hesitation. Another lock for induction would undoubtedly be Arnold Schwarzenegger. “The Austrian Oak” has been a Mr. Universe and Governor of a state, but to most people the man will always be one of the biggest movie stars of the last quarter century.

With only a few early small roles under his belt, Schwarzenegger became a star after films such as Conan the Barbarian and the Terminator. This stardom was almost squandered though, by bad role choices in flops, such as Raw Deal and Red Sonja. Commando was mildly successful, but was still a step down from his signature role in The Terminator. Then there would come a movie that would become one of the huge stepping stones for the action star.

Oddly enough, according to imdb.com, the concept came when someone remarked that the only one left for Sylvester Stallone’s Rocky Balboa to fight would be E.T. Apparently, screenwriters Jim and John Thomas took the suggestion to heart and created a scenario where an intergalactic hunter would hunt his greatest game ever; man. That man would of course end up being Arnold Schwarzenegger. The movie would end up being Predator, and would help its star obtain a legitimacy that he would eventually turn into superstardom.

Predator Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, Jessie “The Body” Ventura, Kevin Peter Hall, Bill Duke, Sonny Landham, Richard Chaves, and Shane Black. Directed by John McTiernan.

Of all the film’s I’ve ever seen that epitomized macho cool, nothing matches up to Predator. Just watching the first ten minutes is enough to grow hair on your chest and lower your voice a few octaves as Schwarzenegger’s Dutch and his team of commandos are dropped by helicopter into a jungle headquarters. As all others get out of the chopper, only Dutch remains; a lit cigar smoking in the breeze.

This a perfect introduction constructed by John McTiernan, letting you know exactly who these guys are without them uttering a word. Much of this film works based solely on its images. As Dutch enters the headquarters to receive his mission instructions, the set is grungy, and you can feel the humidity of the jungle around them. The General giving the orders (R.G. Armstrong) is haggard and gruff. Carl Weathers’ Dillon is introduced as walking contradiction. His words and actions are that of camaraderie with Dutch, two warriors meeting up after years apart, but he’s dressed in a shirt and tie, in attire of a politician. By the time Dutch’s teams are given their orders to pick up a cabinet minister whose been captured by rebels, we know something is deeply wrong.

This is a terrific role for Schwarzenegger, playing a variation on his Matrix role from Commando, only seemingly a bit more realistic. He moves with the efficiency and the confidence of a real commander. He doesn’t do a lot of bragging or mouthing off, leaving those types of things to the rest of his team.

The rest of the squad is an all star cast of movie bad asses crafted out of the same mold as The Dirty Dozen, and hasn’t been topped for testosterone count since then. What I love is that apparently as soon as the camera quit rolling, these men were constantly trying to top each other, and really this tension comes across on screen as well. Look at the brash Blain (Jessie Ventura), mouthing off to everyone that they should chew tobacco because it will increase their sexual prowess. Off screen, Ventura was competing with Schwarzenegger for who had the largest biceps, losing by three inches. Sonny Landham, who plays Billy, the team’s tracker in the film, was so crazy that the insurance company for the film would not even insure the project once they found out he was on board. Only after a bodyguard was hired to protect everyone else from the actor, was Landham allowed to join the project.

Carl Weathers states that he would act as if his physique was naturally given to him, and would work out only after all the other actors were nowhere to be seen. His onscreen persona is as much of an outsider, constantly at odds with Dutch and Blain in the field. A moment when Mac (Bill Duke) tells Dillon “I don’t care who you are back in the world, you give away our position one more time, I’ll bleed ya, real quiet. Leave ya here. Got that?” is a film highlight.

For his first studio film, John McTiernan was able to really show the flare that would lead him to eventually be able to direct the Action classic Die Hard. While Predator is not as good a movie, the picture is still a big piece of the director’s career. I find it funny that the studio kind of cast Shane Black in the character of Hawkins as a bit of a safe guard in case McTiernan buckled under the pressure. Black would go on to help write macho fare such as the entire Lethal Weapon series as well The Long Kiss Goodnight, Last Action Hero, The Last Boy Scout, Monster Squad and most recently writing and directing Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.

Mctiernan would apparently not need his expertise on this picture. Many directors would not have been able to switch gears like McTiernan does here, with Predator going from explosive action picture to a tense Horror film. Not only did he handle himself just fine, but each section is also a top flight example of their genre.

The battle sequence where Dutch’s team takes out a small army of rebels is an energetically choreographed piece of action. The sequence never seems ridiculous or cartoony, like Schwarzenegger’s assault on the fortress in Commando. This is pitch perfect orchestration, with the mayhem coming off as completely controlled. Dutch’s team in action is every bit as impressive as they should be. Honestly, seeing an entire film these guys rampaging through some terrorist’s castle would be awesome to watch, but probably wouldn’t match up to the prowess of this movie.

The final half of this movie tends to slow the pace down, and bring up the tension. A moment of foreshadowing early in the film, as the squad comes across as group of soldiers that have been skinned alive, comes to fruition as they lose their own team members one at a time. In one creative way after another, these manly warriors are picked off in brutal fashion.

It’s hard to even estimate how much of this film’s success rides on how scary the Predator ends up being. It is terrible how time and again that a monster is unable to live up to what it is in your mind. Apparently, that was initially going to be the case with this film, as McTiernan states n the DVD that the original design for the Predator was absolutely terrible. The original design was described as a large creature with a long neck, a head shaped like a dog and one big eye in the middle. Does this sound like a creature that could do battle with Arnold Schwarzenegger in his Action movie heyday? Apparently McTiernan didn’t think so either. The director shot a single sequence with the suit the studio had sent, and then sent the suit back immediately with instructions for them to go back to the drawing board.

This is the point where Stan Winston enters the picture and saves this movie. The makeup effects wizard is a one man hall of fame, working on such classic effects films as Aliens, Edward Scissorhands, Jurassic Park, The Thing, Batman Returns and many others. It was his association with Schwarzenegger and his phenomenal work on The Terminator that got him called in to work on Predator. Next thing you know, the predator goes from the film’s laughing stock to one of the most well known movie monsters of all time. Oddly enough, one of the alien’s most noticeable features, his mandibles, came not from Winston, but from James Cameron, who simply made some little comment that the effects man ran with. The rest of the Rastafarian type warrior’s look though, owes all to Stan Winston, and with it came a franchise and one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s most important villains.

I absolutely love the last twenty minutes of this film, with Dutch having to go mano a mano with the creature and mostly get absolutely crushed. Really this is one of the few instances where Schwarzenegger really gets manhandled on screen, making for an interesting dynamic. This was really the first time this had ever happened in a one on one fight for the actor, as he had previously trounced his opponents on screen. At 7’2”, Kevin Peter Hall was an awesome choice to play the alien hunter, making him the most imposing screen villain in Arnold’s filmography. Originally Jean-Claude Van Damne was initially supposed to play the Predator, but decided he was too good for the part. This ended up being good fortune for everyone.

Predator is a prime example of great Action, Science Fiction, and Horror film making and has stood the test of time because of it. The film was a big step forward for both its star and director, which would both go on to bigger fame in the time to come. Even after both of their stars had faded a bit, Predator still shines as a terrific piece of entertainment.
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Forced Vengeance Starring Chuck Norris, Michael Cavanaugh, Bob Minor, and David Opatoshu. Directed by James Fargo.

Chuck Norris IS Josh Randall, a former Green Beret, who stopped in Hong Kong on his way home from Viet Nam, and liked it so much he decided to stay. One night, he starts a fight in a casino called The Lucky Dragon and the owner, Sam Paschal (David Opatoshu), is so impressed with his fighting skills (and who wouldn’t be?) that he hires Randall as the Lucky Dragon’s head of security. Years later, the Lucky Dragon is one of the safest places in Hong Kong, but when Paschal and his family are gunned down by a syndicate moving in on the territory, Randall goes killing.

This is a pretty decent role for Norris, with his fighting skills being utilized more than most of his films. The film is packed to the brim with fight scenes, as Randall has to go on the run to protect his girlfriend (Mary Louise Weller) and Sam’s last remaining heir, Joy Paschal (Camila Griggs). The action is actually pretty nonstop, as thugs come out of the woodwork to try and take down the trio. The best fight scene in the film takes place in front of a huge neon sign, with Norris and his opponent completely in silhouette. The scene at the end of the “House of Blue Leaves” segment of Kill Bill Vol. 1 is very reminiscent of this similar fight. This is actually one of my favorite Norris fight scenes ever, showing off his grace and form, as well as just being pretty kick ass. The scene is so impressive that a slow motion version of it was placed during the film’s opening credits, as well as splashing it all over the movie’s DVD cover.

Unfortunately, the movie has some pretty damning flaws. First thing you’ll notice is that Norris gets a voice over that runs throughout the picture. Now while voiceovers can work very well throughout Film Noirs, such as Double Indemnity and others, very often the technique is completely superfluous and often annoying. The worst offenders, such as David Lynch’s Dune, often make the experience of watching a film intolerable. Comments repeat on events that just happened, and the movie ends up coddling you through events in a way that is completely unnecessary. Sadly, this movie is one of the worst offenders I’ve ever seen. To make matters worse, Norris really does his best work when he doesn’t say anything at all. Here, he has to carry not only his spoken lines, but also the film’s narration.

Worse yet, this movie makes a fatal mistake for a Revenge flick; it simply goes too far. Now it’s easy to understand a film maker wanting to raise the stakes to pump up the emotion of the film’s final moments. If a hero doesn’t have enough motivation, a film can simply come off as silly. Conversely though, if a movie pushes the envelope too far and hurts the hero too much, then no amount of revenge could possibly match the pain the hero has already faced. For instance, this is one of the worst elements of The Patriot. Killing one son is fine, but by the time the villain has stabbed another son and killed his new daughter-in-law as well as a church full of her family and friends by burning them alive, all enjoyment has left the movie. Forced Vengeance has very similar problem. By the end of the film, the body count on the hero’s side is just too high for his revenge to mean anything at all.

On the other hand, to watch a display of Norris’ martial arts talents, few films could stands as a better example. Norris kicks his way through the streets of Hong Kong taking on all comers, and finally facing off against a giant henchman in a decent spectacle. It’s also important to note that at this point, American studios had not made many films in Hong Kong, save for Enter the Dragon. Director James Fargo shoots the island city in a mysterious way, which makes the film at least pleasing to the eye. Too bad the movie’s failings bring it down too far to really recommend for anyone other than Chuck fans.

Delta Force 2 (AKA: Delta Force 2: The Columbian Connection, AKA: Delta Force 2: Operation Stranglehold Starring Chuck Norris and Billy Drago. Directed by Aaron Norris.

In 1986, Chuck Norris had one of his biggest hits ever with The Delta Force, in which he played the member of an elite commando unit, sent in to take care of a hostage situation in the Middle East. In 1990, Norris came back to the franchise a second time, but made a very different picture. Once again, Chuck Norris IS Scott McCoy, a Colonel in an elite commando unit, specially trained to take out terrorists and apparently, drug lords.

McCoy is called into action by his commanding officer, General Taylor (John P. Ryan), to bring in a Ramon Cota (Billy Drago), a ruthless Columbian cartel leader, who seems to be above the law. How evil is this guy? In the opening scene we see him gun down a group of DEA agents without mercy. Later, we see him accost a village girl he doesn’t think is working hard enough, shoot her husband and kill her baby. He then basically makes her a part of his harem.

So it’s up to McCoy and his friend, Major Bobby Chavez (Paul Perri), to capture this man and bring him to justice, which actually happens quite early in the film. Trapping the drug lord on a commercial flight, the two heroes push Cota out of the plane without a parachute. In an insanely over the top sequence Norris’ McCoy jumps out after the cartel leader to recapture him at 30,000 feet. Too bad Director Aaron Norris (Chuck’s brother) films too many close-ups, so when the stuntman comes into camera, its obviously not big brother Chuck. Otherwise, this sequence is nearly worthy of a similar one from the 007 film, Moonraker, even though it’s obviously constrained with a much lower budget.

So how does this count as a Revenge flick? Well after Cota is released on bail, the villain goes on quite the killing spree before fleeing town. The wife and child of McCoy’s partner are killed, execution style, and a grieving Bobby Chavez becomes the next victim while trying to get revenge. When Cota sends a tape of Chavez’s execution by gas chamber to McCoy, the movie completely switches gears.

In an amazing display of prowess, Norris’ McCoy beats down nearly every recruit in his regiment. With fists of steel and leg locks a plenty, it seems as if no villain will be able to stand up to this man once he’s set his sights on retribution. He then infiltrates Cota’s Columbian compound and starts running up the body count. The film ends with McCoy running roughshod, killing Cartel members, while the rest of his team does some major damage from the perch of a helicopter.

Now, while this is actually a better sequel than I had initially expected, Delta Force 2 has some major things that are missing from the first time out. Foremost is the absence of Lee Marvin, who didn’t exactly have a lot of great scenes in the original, but was still steadfast and brought legitimacy to the picture. His pseudo replacement, John P. Ryan’s Gen. Taylor is hardly a substitute for the veteran Marvin. Worse, while Ryan is likable, he plays his role pretty over the top, which makes him seem like a cartoon character, when perhaps the role would have been more suited with more subtlety.

Also, while I do enjoy making the film a bit more personal, I love the team aspect from the first film. The movie does have Delta Force in the title, but most of the film actually resembles Norris’ Missing in Action pictures more closely. It would have helped too if the movie featured the original’s supremely catchy theme, but unfortunately it’s nowhere to be heard. Other than these gripes, the film is actually able to stand up well due to its emphasis on action, revenge, and a great villain.

Norris was actually offered the role of McCoy for a third time, but turned down the offer due to a horrible accident that happened in the second film. Apparently a helicopter accident cost the lives of five crew members, and the film is dedicated to them. An honorable move by Chuck, who knew when to call it quits on a series.

Both of these films are prime examples of Chuck being wronged, and using his fists and his feet to make things right. Whether it’s taking out gangsters on the streets of Hong Kong or making kingpins wish they’d never been born, Norris’ fury must be satisfied. Too bad the film makers let him down a little in each case, making the films watchable additions to his filmography instead of good ones.

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